


Nothing to Lose

by Mirime



Series: Loss and Gain [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Manga Spoilers, Prompt Fill, RivaMika Jam Round 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-27
Updated: 2015-04-27
Packaged: 2018-03-26 00:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3831109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mirime/pseuds/Mirime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for the first round of <a href="http://rivamikajam.tumblr.com">RivaMika Jam</a> on Tumblr. My prompt was: "Levi and Mikasa get separated during a mission outside the walls and lay dying, finally admitting their feelings for each other, thinking it's the end for them. They then get saved and later have to deal with their confessions." NSFW if you want! :D</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing to Lose

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [dangerandbeauty](http://dangerandbeauty.tumblr.com).
> 
> It's roughly canon-compliant with the latest manga chapters if a tad on the optimistic side. Warning for a brief description of injuries and mentions of blood.

Mikasa reined in her horse next to Captain Levi who was watching a small copse of trees about a kilometer away from their position.

"We are nearly ready for the transport, sir," she reported as she followed his line of sight. She grimaced as she recognized the so far small dots moving in the distance.

"Tell them to start pulling away," Levi ordered. "Have Connie, Jean and Sasha clear the way for the wagons if necessary. The two of us will defend the rear."

"Sir," Mikasa acknowledged and spurred her horse towards the rest of the squad. She could almost feel Levi watching her as she went away and no wonder. She had been a model soldier for the past six weeks, ever since Eren, Armin and Historia had left. She had taken her pain at being left behind and channeled it into her performance. She may have understood the reasoning behind their decision but that hadn't made it hurt any less.

"You three have the point," she said briskly. "Keep the way clear for the wagons."

"What about you?" Sasha asked, half-pulling out her blade handles for one last inspection.

"In the rear with the Captain," Mikasa answered. "The safe delivery of the cargo is our highest priority right now."

The four of them looked over to the group of wagons, already piled high with various bundles and packages. The biggest wagon in the front of the group was the one that held their attention the longest.

The Titan was only a 3-m class, the smallest to exist and thus the easiest to move. Hange would still be ecstatic at their success to capture it. The Squad Leader had talked at length about getting a subject from behind the Wall Maria and it was finally happening.

"Move out," Mikasa called out and the wagons slowly lurched into motion. They had three other squads running protection detail with them but it was the Levi's squad that was in the charge.

"Mikasa, be careful," Sasha called to her and Mikasa nodded briefly before turning her horse around to join Levi.

"How many?" she asked even as she tried to count the approaching figures.

"Hard to say, some of them are still under the cover of the trees," Levi replied. "I estimate at least eight, all in the 7 to 10-m class."

"That shouldn't be too hard then," Mikasa said as she ran the last check on her equipment.

"No, it shouldn't," Levi agreed. "We'll flank them once they get close. I'll take the right."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

Mikasa thought she had gone through every pain imaginable, be it physical or emotional. The loss of her parents, the loss of the Yeagers, Eren's perceived death in Trost, Annie almost taking Eren away, Bertolt and Reiner taking him away, Eren and Historia being kidnapped by Rod Reiss. She remembered every time she had lost or nearly lost her family, every time the people about whom she cared had been taken away. And maybe that was why this latest instance hurt so much more.

Eren and Armin hadn't been taken from her.

_Mikasa, I'm very sorry to let you know like this but the time is of an essence and we can't afford to be stopped._

They had left on their own, pursuing a foolish chance.

_Dr. Yeager's diary has a map to a place that must be the hometown that Reiner and Bertolt spoke about. The notes in the diary indicate that the breach between the people in the Walls and the people from there was because of our rulers at the time. Now that things have changed, it might be possible to make peace between us._

She had woken up in the makeshift camp in the newly resealed Shiganshina district only to find a carefully folded paper next to her pillow, covered in Armin's distinctive hand-writing.

_We talked about asking you along but even three people are pushing it. And besides, if things go wrong, you'll be needed to defend the Walls._

She had understood the reasoning but it still hurt. She had thought briefly about pursuing them nonetheless but she hadn't known the way and they had had too much of a headstart. So she had done what she could to shut herself away from the pain, throwing herself into her work.

Securing the contents of Dr. Yeager's basement, guarding the route between Trost and Shinganshina, assisting Hange in some of the experiments - her days had been full. But no matter how tired she had become, at the end of the day she had still had trouble falling asleep.

It had become worse two weeks in. The logic said they had no way of knowing just how far away the village was and Eren, Armin and Historia might still just be on the way there - because the possibility of them falling a prey to the Titans was one Mikasa refused to contemplate - but all the logic in the world couldn't have stopped her worrying. Or let her sleep.

It had been during one of her late night walks - it was better to move than just to lie on her bed, thinking - that she had run into Captain Levi. She had thought for sure he would reprimand her - after all, she was letting her feelings effect her even though her work hadn't suffered yet - but he had just told her she looked like shit and if she wasn't going to sleep, she might as well help him out with his paperwork.

They hadn't talked a lot during those evenings. But there had been a sense of companionship, of not having to fill an awkward silence with small talk, of having someone sympathize if not outright understand. It hadn't been quite enough but it had been something.

* * *

The problem with being human was that no matter how well trained and gifted a person was, there were physical limits to what that person could accomplish. Mikasa and Levi were supreme fighters but they were still humans. They were still vulnerable.

Mikasa pressed her hand to the long gash in her side. She had managed to twist herself enough so that she didn't get impaled on the broken branch but she didn't manage to miss it entirely. Her shirt was soaked through quickly and she knew that unless she stopped the bleeding immediately, she would go into the shock due to the blood loss.

Levi landed heavily next to her, the right side of his face unrecognizable under the layer of blood. There was a purpling bruise spreading across his temple and he had to lean against the tree to stabilize himself.

It had been three Abnormals that had dealt them the most damage. The Titans had acted as a group, an unusual development that would be of interest to Hange if the two of them ever managed to reach the Wall Maria and the temporary base in Shiganshina. However, their horses had bolted soon after the attack had begun and Mikasa didn't think they would be coming back.

"How bad is it?" Levi asked, gesturing towards her wound.

"Bad," she said as she used her free hand to pull out the few first aid supplies she had in a pouch.

He quietly moved in to assist her in tending her injury and then she helped him and then they just looked at each other. Mikasa wondered which one of them would state the obvious. It was pretty clear that their situation was bad. Really bad. The Wall was at least ten kilometres away, three fourths of the path leading across a flat terrain with no trees to provide cover. If they had their horses, they might have made it. Without them and with the injuries they had suffered, though, they weren't likely to make it. And even if the rest of their squad noticed their absence and went back, they wouldn't make it in time.

"How much gas do you have left?" Levi asked, looking off to the side.

"Not much," she replied, following his gaze and grimacing as she recognized the shapes in the distance. Other Titans in the vicinity must have been drawn in by the steam from their previous battle and were quickly approaching. And with them, any possibility of reaching the Wall went up in smoke, as well.

"We'll have to stay low to the ground, then, bring them down by cutting the tendons in their legs."

"Like the Armored Titan," Mikasa muttered and Levi nodded. He straightened up, wincing a bit and Mikasa wondered how long he'd be able to stay upright. Probably as long as her, she thought when she felt the wound in her side pulse warningly. The moment she used her gear and put pressure on that side, the wound would reopen and the shock would quickly follow. This was really the end for them, she realized. They might be able to take down another couple of Titans but that would be it.

She was going to die. Levi was going to die. There would be no miraculous rescue this time, not this far away from the Walls. They would fight to the last but their chances were non-existent.

"Captain?" she spoke quietly and he looked away from the approaching Titans. A smaller group this time, Mikasa noted absentmindedly, but most of them a 15-m class. "I just wanted to say- it has been an honour."

Something passed across his face quickly, as if he wanted to tell her it was unnecessary to say goodbyes yet but he held it back. They both knew what was going to happen and she wouldn't appreciate false assurances. Not from him.

"Likewise, Mikasa," he said softly. "I'm sorry it came to this."

"I was always aware of the risks," she replied and then managed a smile. "I'm glad you're with me."

"Are you?" he asked and she nodded. They were going to die, there was no reason to pretend anything.

"I trust you. I respect you." She looked down. "You are important to me. If things were different-" she trailed off, trying to find right words to say just how much he had come to mean to her over the time they had known each other. It wasn't something she had thought about much, there had always been other matters to attend to and defining her feelings for him hadn't seemed important. They had been there, slowly growing and now she had only a couple fo minutes to figure out just how much they had grown.

"I never thought I'd live through to the end," Levi said as the silence started to stretch awkwardly. "I'm good at surviving but there's a limit to how much one person can do. But recently I started to think that maybe... You made a difference, Mikasa."

She swallowed and then decided that if this was the end, she might as well be completely honest.

"I could have loved you," she said quietly. "Really loved you. If we had more time."

He wasn't looking at her but she noticed how his hand clenched at the handle of his sword.

"I wanted to buy a tea shop," his voice was low and rough. "To be done with the fighting and the political shit. Just a quiet life somewhere out of the way. I'd probably have asked you to come with me."

"I would have gone with you," she said. "If you asked me."

They weren't looking at each other at all but it was better that way. If their eyes met, the regret would become too much.

thump-thump-thump

The group of Titans was maybe four hundred meters away and clearly aiming for them. There were three 15-m class and one smaller 7-m one.

"I'll go from the right again," Levi spoke, moving forward. "We'll try to bring down one of the big ones first."

"Understood."

And then she was moving forward as well, angling herself to keep both the Titans and Levi in her sight. A coordinated attack was their only chance. If they struck fast enough, they might bring down one of the 15-m Titans in such a way that he would take down the smaller one. After that, they would see.

Mikasa flexed her fingers around the blade handles and took a deep breath. The Titans were now less than two hundred meters away and she started to recognize the details. They looked different, more defined, more focused, more familiar...

"What the hell?" Levi's voice drifted to her and she silently echoed it. She would recognize three of those Titans everywhere. The crystalline musculature of one, the dark hair and bright green eyes of the other, the smaller hairy form of the last one. Even the fourth one with its distinctively female shape was familiar in a way.

She was dimly aware of her blades falling down but it didn't matter. She would live. Levi would live. They would both live. She whipped her head around and found him looking at her with an expression of a cautious hope. The same one that she probably wore, too. They would live.

They would have to talk, too, but that could wait until later.

"Mikasa! Captain!" Armin hailed them from where he sat on Eren's shoulder and Mikasa raised her hand in greeting, happier than she had been in weeks.

* * *

They had made it safely back to the Shiganshina base. Jean, Sasha and Connie had met them halfway there, since they had turned back the moment they had realized Levi and Mikasa hadn't caught up to them. It was almost humbling, to see how tight the bonds in their group were.

Armin had briefed them both shortly on just what he, Eren and Historia had done over the past weeks and he had introduced Kayleigh, the female type Titan that had accompanied them to negotiate on the behalf of the village. Reiner, Ymir and Bertolt coming along had been a part of the deal that Historia had insisted on. The truce, if not outright peace was at hand at last. It would take some time but there was a distinct possibility that the fighting would be over soon. And with the fighting done, they could start new lives.

Mikasa had avoided looking at Levi too much. The joy from being rescued had worn off and a niggling doubt had taken root. What if he had just said what he had to comfort her before death. It wouldn't have been the first time he had shown such kindness to a dying soldier and since both of them had expected to die, it wouldn't have mattered afterwards.

With those thoughts swirling through her mind, Mikasa was glad to be taken away to get stitches and proper bandaging for her injury as soon as they reached the base. She needed time to herself, to think on what had transpired and what she was going to do about it. She knew that avoiding Levi was not a possibility. They were too good of a team to be separated. She hoped that he had meant everything he had said because she certainly had.

It should have been a shock to realize she was half-way in love with someone who had been "the peculiar midget" to her for so long but it had happened and she wouldn't take it back. Levi wanted the same peaceful life that she did. Their goals aligned and Mikasa was certain they would work out.

If he had meant what he had told her.

* * *

It took three days for Mikasa to be discharged from the infirmary and although she hadn't been bored - Eren and Armin visited her twice a day and the rest of the squad dropped by too - she was more than ready to leave the small room she had been assigned.

She thought about asking about Levi but she wasn't sure what she would tell him once she found him.

_Did you mean that round about confession to me? Because I meant mine._

It was easier to speak out when the death was imminent than when there was nothing on the line.

"Mikasa?"

She turned around to find Levi standing in front of the building that had been comandeered as the headquarters. He was holding a small stack of papers and she wondered why he would be already doing paperwork.

"How's your wound?"

"Fine. It didn't get infected and they'll take out the stitches in a few days."

He nodded and then looked at her as if he was evaluating her.

"We need to talk," he said and Mikasa swallowed before nodding.

"We do," she agreed and when he gestured for her to follow him, she did so without a word. She could see his right temple was still bruised even though the colour was fading to the yellow. "How's your head?" she asked and he grimaced slightly.

"It's getting better."

"That's good."

"Yeah."

They lapsed into a silence after that and Mikasa wondered if she should say something else. They hadn't used to have a problem with awkward silences but the shadow of that conversation hung over them and until they talked it out, they wouldn't be able to go back to what they had used to be. Or to something potentially better.

"Here," he said when they reached the room that functioned as his office and he handed her the papers. "Look them over."

Bemused, Mikasa flipped the first one over. It wasn't an official military document. As far as she could tell, it was an unsigned deed to a two-story house in Trost. There was another one for a house in Karanes. A plot of land south-west of Chlorba. And so on.

"What are these?"

"I was asking around," Levi replied, his back to her as he busied himself with a small stove in the corner, setting up things for brewing the tea. "The tea shop I told you about, I figured you have as much say in where we should set it up as I do."

Mikasa's throat tightened. He had meant it. He had meant all of it and this was his way of asking her to go with him.

"I always wanted a garden in the back yard."

He turned to her and half-smiled.

"I think there are several houses that have one. I'm going to ask Erwin for a few personal days off and we can go check them out."

"Good," she said softly. "That sounds like a plan."

He turned to her then, his eyes intent on her own.

"Once the fighting's over, I'm going to set up a tea shop somewhere quiet. Will you come and stay with me, Mikasa?"

There was no doubt in her mind now. None whatsoever and she smiled brightly.

"Yes. Yes, I will."

**Author's Note:**

> There will be a smutty sequel going up in the next few days, titled Everything to Gain. Also, feel free to look me up on Tumblr - [Obsessed with the Ackermans](http://mirime-kisarrastine.tumblr.com). My ask box is always open.


End file.
